


i used to think...

by adellamuriel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Norse Religion & Lore, Young Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:42:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24510100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adellamuriel/pseuds/adellamuriel
Summary: Severus waited patiently, she took her time. He could see her debating with herself internally trying to figure out what to tell him. She kept opening her mouth and closing it, like a gormless fish. It was annoying, but he waited for her.Eileen came to a conclusion, “You’re not going back to Hogwarts this year.” Severus dropped his fork on his plate.He didn’t know what to say; he had dreamed about this day for months; even relished the idea of running away, he never expected this would happen to him.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	i used to think...

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all, welcome to my new story. Severus' storyline will loosely be based on the character of Yennefer of Vengerberg from the Witcher. 
> 
> For updates follow my tumblr: [adella muriel](https://adellamuriel.tumblr.com/)

“You are always talking about gods. What of them? Do you think I’m afraid of your gods? Of those glowing monsters? Let me tell you what I’m afraid of—you will never know what I have always been thinking of you—I will never be gentle towards another person again.” ― **Salma Deera**

**Severus Snape**

Opening his grades from his OWL’s was a pleasant surprise; Severus did not expect to get those grades, especially after the year he had with losing Lily’s friendship and nearly being eaten by a wolf. . He had gotten Outstandings in Defence against Darks Arts and Potions, with the rest of the subjects Severus had achieved Exceedingly Expected. 

Severus should have done better and could have done better, he just gave up. Fifth-year had been a horrible year for Severus and his grades reflected it. 

He should have gotten Outstandings in the subjects that he got Exceedingly Expected in. Severus knew he could have done better but fifth-year had been his worst year at Hogwarts. Unpleasant circumstances took place in the fifth year which distracted him from getting his Outstandings in his grades. 

Eillen had been happy with his grades and suggested that they celebrate, just between the two without Tobias. Severus agreed, only because his father was not going to be there and that he wanted to know her reasoning for this. He was disappointed in himself and he felt like a failure, he didn’t want to let her know, she went through more stuff than he had.  Severus was surprised by her reaction; Eileen though distant had encouraged Severus to keep up with his studies and get all Outstandings. He thought she would be disappointed in him. Though she never expressed herself in front of Severus anymore, he knew when she was disappointed with him.

So Severus tried his best to meet Eileen’s expectations. Severus succeeded in some and failed with others. He had gotten into Slytherin and made acquaintances with the Purebloods. Yet he failed to draw in the attention of Slughorn and was an outcast to his peers; students avoided him in fear of being ruthlessly bullied by the marauders. The only one who had stayed with his friend was Lily. 

Thinking of Lily made him not want to celebrate, and just stay in bed, but Eileen insisted. 

They were going to celebrate in the evening when Tobias went drinking with his ‘ _ friends. _ ’ Severus did not know how they were going to afford the celebration. They were poor and they could not afford much. Even the clothes he had were either bought at the charity shop or handed down from Tobias to Severus.  **  
  
**

Previous years Severus would celebrate with Lily; on big celebotarty days like his birthday and his achievements of his grades, she would invite him to spend time with her family. They would take him to the beach, remembering those days made Severus smile, they had been the best time of his life. He use to pretend that he was their son, that he was Severus Evans. 

Losing Lily had been horrible, it felt like he had lost a limb; she was his other half. Remembering hermade Severus feel sick, she’s alive but is the furthest thing from him. It made him physically sick. . He missed her; missed spending time with her and the Evan’s family; missed that they couldn’t spend time at their spot. 

It was Potterfault and Black’s fault they had humiliated him in front of his peers and he was so angry that he had called her  **that** word. She had ended their six year friendship because of that. 

He had tried to apologise, even going as far to camp outside of the Gryffindor's common room, waiting for her. She never came out, he had begged her friends but they glared and ignored him. Finch had found him loitering outside of the common room and promptly gave him a detention. 

Severus had also gone to Lily’s family home and asked to speak to her, they told him she wasn’t in and tried to make small talk, but it had been awkward, so he left. . 

This left Severus to his current dilemma - he was bored. This summer, Severus split his time in the bedroom and going to the park where Severus met the Evans sisters; it brought back fond memories of him and Lily. 

It was his safe space, when avoiding the fights between his parents. 

**  
  
**

Currently, he's in his bedroom doing next to nothing. Severus had tried to go to the park today to avoid Tobias’ drunken rage, but Eileen told him to stay in his bedroom and had placed a silencing charm on his door to avoid their confrontation. 

.

Severus finished his homework for the summer; he was bored, reading all of his course material is now considered boring. Re-reading course material has become second nature to Severus; he is able to cite the material without looking at the books. 

He had a few hours to go before they celebrated his grades - so he decided to take a nap. It was the only thing he could do at this moment in time. 

He tried to put his body to sleep; this was recurrent, Severus before the fifth year could not sleep and Severus had to force himself to sleep. Fifth-year took his sleep paralysis to another level; he still had nightmares of the day he lost Lily’s friendship. It was his worst memory; Potter and Black had humiliated him by hanging Severus upside down and had shown everyone his undergarments. Angry and humiliated, they forced his hand into calling Lily that word, losing her respect and friendship forever.

Severus’ sleeping habits worsened after the fifth year, he spent more time laying awake thinking about Lily and his humiliation after that day. It was childish but he had nightmares about it. It didn’t help that he was reminded about it daily by Potter and Black; they would make snide comments about his underwear and laugh about it. It was humiliating.  **  
**

That had hurt, but not as much as losing Lily’s friendship. 

Lily was Severus’ everything - she was his home; Lily had been his stability, the only thing in this world who was keeping him sane. Now that he has lost her, now he did not know what to do with himself. 

Severus decided to forgo taking a nap, it brought back painful memories; having finished all of the work needed for sixth year, Severus decided to write notes on creating new spells. Not having his wand was a pain. He wanted to test out the spell but was unable to due to the age restriction on his wand; he focused on the theory. 

Picking out the battered and second-hand copy of ‘Fifth grade and higher: Defence Against Darks Art,’ Severus read extracts on defence spells that he could use against the marauders. Using the same technique that he had previously done in the past, he circled and underlined words that were useful to the theoretical knowledge of making a new spell. 

**  
  
**

It was cathartic. Severus found himself creating a new defence spell, which in theory should prevent the marauders from harming him for the first term of sixth year, Severus would be able to come up with something more cohesive. 

Severus was also able to make minor adjustments to the spell; he needed to counter the spell that the marauders had in knowing the location of others. Throughout the day Severus was making theoretical improvements to the defence spell, it needed to be perfect. 

**  
  
**

He did not know what time it was and found that he did not care, this was too important. He knew that Lily would not approve and she would have dragged him to the new ice cream shop in town, Severus smiled, Lily has a sweet tooth. She would devour anything sweet in her sight. 

Lily wasn’t here anymore.

Severus had to stop thinking about Lily. He couldn’t afford to think about her. She was not in his life anymore and will never be in his life again. 

He needed to focus on the future, Severus did not have many options but he was going to find a way to come up on time. This year, he will not be the marauder’s victim. 

**  
  
**

This time he will be the one on top. 

*

They made small talk; Eileen insisted in asking him questions about school and Severus replied every now and then. 

It was awkward. 

Severus and Eileen had been close, they would do stuff together; even though they did not have much money and Tobias was an abusive prick they still found time to have fun. Severus had fond memories of baking cakes with Eileen and going to the park scouting for all the strange creatures. His bedtimes would be filled with stories of the wizarding world and her time at Hogwarts. 

They were both trying to make small talk but they’ve grown so apart so they knew nothing about each other. They had been driven apart by Tobias, his general abuse of his son and wife caused them to drift apart; it was sad Eileen had at once been Severus’ only friend; the boys his age would make fun of him for his girlish appearance and his secondhand clothes. It didn’t matter, he had Eillen she had been the best Ma and at one point had been the only consistent thing in his life. 

Things changed and they started to resent each other. He could tell she resented him for his freedom, he could use magic. She resented the fact that they were stuck there with Tobias and his abusive nature. Eileen could have easily left but chose to stay and protect Severus. 

**  
  
**

Severus resented the fact that she couldn’t leave Tobias abusive ass; Severus had tried multiple times to encourage her to leave him, but she wouldn’t do it. Not for him.

So they drifted apart. 

He loved Eileen but he couldn’t understand why she willingly stayed with Tobias. Severus was old enough, they could leave and stay with her parents, or if they didn’t accept Severus they could leave and find somewhere else to live. 

They were wizards, they could do anything. 

They didn’t have to stay here, in this squalor. 

“Why are you doing this now?” Severus asked. They had done this in the past, but they’ve grown apart

Severus after Black nearly sent him to his death had written a letter, begging her to send him somewhere else. So why now, she’s had all of these opportunities to do this with, so why now.

“You’ve had all of these years to do this. Why now?” He asked forcefully. 

Severus waited patiently, she took her time. He could see her debating with herself internally trying to figure out what to tell him. She kept opening her mouth and closing it, like a gormless fish. It was annoying, but he waited for her. 

She came to a conclusion, “You’re not going back to Hogwarts this year.” Severus dropped his fork on his plate. 

He didn’t know what to say; he had dreamed about this day for months; even relished the idea of running away, he never expected this would happen to him. 

“Why?” He asked, “why now? I’ve asked and begged you to take me out of Hogwarts, you’ve had all of these years to take me out of Hogwarts.” 

She ate her cake and took her time to answer. Severus watched as she came up with an answer. 

“I’ve been in contact with my relatives.” She paused watching Severus’ reaction, “they’ve decided to take you to America to study at Salem’s School of Wizardry and Witchcraft. Your Aunt…- my sister is the Headmistress.” 

He felt elated and sadness; Severus had dreamt of this day for years. For years the marauders have made him a punching bag and now he could escape that hell pit; but he wouldn’t see Lily anymore. 

He didn’t know what to say, so he carried on eating his cake. 

They carried on eating their cake together in silence. He had no words to say to her. 

So many thoughts were going through Severus’ head

Eileen had lied to him. They had a family. They could have left Tobias and started a new life together years ago. There were so many emotions, he couldn’t describe it if he could. 

He was leaving Hogwarts and starting a new life; this meant he could no longer be bullied by the marauders anymore, he wouldn’t be their victim anymore. Severus could finally make something out of himself without relying on his Slytherin acquaintances. 

This meant no more Lily. 

In the process of being absorbed in his emotions, Severus forgot, this meant no more Lily. It was apparent that Severus would not see Lily, they would be in two different schools, Severus wouldn’t be able to fix their friendship. 

He didn’t know what to do, Severus couldn’t refuse the offer; it was a new opportunity for him but he couldn’t leave things as they were. 

Severus lay awake trying to come with another option; they could both go to this school together, the headmistress was his family she could make it happen. 

*

It was the morning, Severus had stayed up all night thinking about what he could. The only plan that sounded plausible was writing a letter to Lily explaining that he was leaving Hogwarts, that she could join him. It would be those two against the world, like it was before they started Hogwarts. 

**  
  
**

Severus went to his bookshelf and found new parchment; he had used the money that he had earned from tutoring and doing others homework to buy the parchment. In the letter, Severus wrote everything describing and explaining to Lily that he was leaving Hogwarts and before he went, Severus wanted her to join him.. 

It was his only hope. 

Severus finished the letter and got dressed. The way to the Evan’s household was the route that Severus knew by heart. 

The Evan’s house is on the other side of the town; Cokeworth was an industrial town, there used to be working factories in the area. After World War II there was little need for these factories. Many people had lost their livelihoods, Tobias' father included. 

Tobias grew up in poverty and in turn, so did Severus. The Evans family did not grow up in poverty; Lily’s dad was a doctor and her mum a housewife. They’ve never gone through the same hardships as Severus’ family. 

Their house was pretty, it was small, yet bigger than Severus’ house and it was clean. The garden isn't overrun and they had nice neighbours. 

To avoid staying in this place for long, Severus decided to post the letter and then leave, hopefully, Lily will read it. They could plan their adventure together. 

Things were starting to look up, Severus was going to leave Hogwarts and might win back Lily’s friendship. He was nearly there, just round the corner, when his heart nearly stopped. 

James Potter and Sirius Black were there. With Lily and her friends. They were all laughing together, having fun. The full marauder cohort was not there, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was Lily was spending time with his torturer, all he could see was Lily blushing as Potter put his arm around his shoulders. 

Severus felt his heart-breaking into two. This felt just as bad when Lily broke off their friendship. It made him feel sick. 

He hid before they saw him, silently watching them; he left quickly not wanting to be harassed by Potter and Black. 

Severus went home with his letter in his hand. 

Walking the route back from the Evans household was awful, all he could see was Lily and Potter together.

Severus got home with the letter in hand, heartbroken. Going through the front door he noticed another pair of shoes. They were by Eileen's shoes, but they were clean and new. Walking into the sitting room, he noticed Eileen and another woman. 

They were both similar in looks, only with a few differences with Eileen’s sullen skin and did have much weight on her. The other woman was healthy, dressed in a dark green dress; this is what Eilleen could have looked like if she left Tobias. She wasn’t pretty, but she looked like what a pureblood should look like. 

“Severus this is Tissaia de Prince, she is the headmistress at the School of Salem.” The woman walked up to him, watching his reaction. 

Severus was used to this, at Hogwarts, this would happen repeatedly with the Purebloods and their parents. Tissaia walked a circle around Severus, inspecting him; he made sure to stand straight and not slouch. 

He must have passed the inspection because she said“He looks like his Father.” Severus bristled, he did not want to be compared to that man. He rejected him as his father.  “He’ll do.”

“Thank you!” said Eileen gratefully. They both looked at each other not wanting Severus to hear, had a silent conversation. “Our deal?”

“Will be upheld.” Said Tissaia, “We will take our leave now.” They nodded to each other, both in agreement that Severus was going to go with them. 

Tissaia with her gloved hand took Severus’ arm and pulled him towards the door. He struggled, Severus hadn’t said goodbye. 

“Wait!” He yelled, Eileen flinched. Severus softened his tone, “What about my clothes and school work.” 

Tissaia looked at him in distaste, “you will not need your rags.” She said whilst looking at his clothes in disgust. She carried on pulling Severus towards the door, she took out a portkey to transport him to his new school. 

“Can I at least say goodbye to her?” Severus asked, begging, he was used to not saying goodbye to Eileen when attending Hogwarts, but their encounter last night brought back familial bonds that he tried to hide. He was going to miss her. 

Tissaia stopped her actions again, annoyed. “No.” She said and activated the Portkey, taking Severus to his new home with the letter that he had written to Lily on hand. 

*

_ Dear Lily,  _

_ I don’t know what to say, but I’m leaving Hogwarts. I’m going to another school in America, my Aunt is apparently the Headmistress of the school. Eileen told me that I had a family who are going to take me in and look after me, so you don’t have to worry. I know I said those words and I’m sorry; if I could take back that day, I would; I should have stopped my being friends with the Slytherins. I would do anything to have your friendship back. Come with me, you could leave Hogwarts with me and we could go on adventure.  _

_ I miss you. Please write back. _

_ Yours,  _

_ Sev _

__

**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**

****  
  



End file.
